Back from Vegas, I have lots to say but even more reading and catching up to do since I've been away from the 'puter for a week. Right now I have 45 emails, 20 sites/blogs, three books, and 7 comic books to read. The new Blue Man CD is sitting here waiting for me to listen. Also need to get my first APA submission written, unfortuntately not going to be able to get a good design on it until I can get a better template. Plus, most importantly, it's Saturday night which means I make a play date with the kids. I think tonight I'll see if they want to make comic books. I'll be telling you soon about someone I've met online who makes his own comic books. OH...and I should probably unpack.

In the meanwhile, I found this great link for Star Wars fans. Maybe Episode 3 can return some of the luster to the crown. Here's more official Episode 3 spoilers than you can shake a light saber at: Episode 3 Spoilers. I am psyched about the movie and I really hope it's good.

Until later, here's hoping the Idea Mind, The Midnight Lightbulb, will shine this weekend.

Gone fishing in Vegas, or something like that. See you next weekend.

"Ideas can be life-changing. Sometimes all you need to open the door is just one."--Jim Rohn

"My thoughts are open season." -- Stone Sour

I had my review at work yesterday and did well. Not that I expected different, but it was still pleasant to be reassured my boss appreciates my work. One of my assigned objectives, for this new review cycle is to become an expert in the new computer system! Those bad programmers are at it again...:) (See previous posts). But actually, that was one of the smartest things she could of done (and my boss is smart). We're stuck with the good and bad of this computer system and to have a knowledge of it will only benefit me. I've never failed to complete an objective so I will become good with it. Another objective will allow me to be learning more actual freight routing. I can currently route freight on the ground both with BIG CORPORATE TRUCKING and many of our vendors but do not know how to route air, in time I will be taught this. This is both a profitable and portable skill. One that will give me more options should I ever leave my current job. My boss will be working with me on getting more organized professionally and sending me to a time management seminar. Also, I'll be working with our next new start. I'm excited about this, I love to train and am seeking a career path that includes it. If all that wasn't enough, I'll be learning Power Point and doing some training presentations with it. Even though my end goal is not to sell air freight, I must say I do have a good job and am glad to be there. Though someday I will leave, I am only better for having done what I do.

Martial arts training is going well. I have not missed a practice or a solo work out yet. As simple as that may sound, I'm proud of that fact. It means I am budgeting my time well. I injured my neck somehow and have had a hard time moving it the past couple of days. No pain, no gain...right?

I've also been trying to lose a little weight, not a full blown diet yet but getting there. I've lost a few pounds and cut Coke and sweets out of my diet. Next is to cut down on carbs...oh the thought of it! I love you Pastaroni! I'm getting used to Diet Coke.

My BLOG got eight hits last night, and it's grown in hits in leaps and bounds over the past month. People are reading it! This makes me smile (lol). If you're reading, please use the commenting system, I'd love to talk to you and remember I trade links. I'll be writing a piece soon called, "Blog Hopping" about the many BLOGS that I enjoy and read and about the people I've met through them. Most of them I aspire to be as good as.

As for my writing, I will be working on more of it. I have decide poetry is my best outlet and will be creating much more. Look for the results here soon. Probably some more gross out type short fiction too, I do pissed off and disgusting oh so well.

I have joined the Alpha Centauri APA and added their link to my BLOG. I'm really excited about this. I've always wanted to try an APA. This will give me an opportunity to meet more creative types in a personal environment, almost like a writer's group. And give me examples for my writing portfolio. Thanks to Scott Marshall for introducing me to the group, you can hit his link on my link box. I found Scott through Blogger's 'Most Recently Published'.

I will need to get some page layout skills, my first couple or APA 'zines probably won't look very good. I'm also upset to find out that my copy of Word '97 is missing the Newsletter Wizard. I downloaded one template last night but having a hard time find any decent ones. If someone can recommend a good source for these types of templates, please let me know.

I want to work on my poetry and possibly start a story for the APA. I think my 'Zine will be called, "The Blue Rabbit Chronicles" and instead of giving it an issue number, each issue will have a title. The first one being called, "Let Sleeping Does Die" from my imaginary rock band. I will be writing APA exclusives, and recycling some material for the BLOG.

I also need to get a book on punctuation and grammar. I'm seriously lacking in these tools. Not good for writers.

I'm thinking about relearning to program computers again. Though I was never great at it, I did make a really fun Kaboom knock off (showing my age here), a Craps game that was much better than the real thing, a Star Wars type cartoon, and I loved entering in and customizing the programs from 'Family Computing'. Not a lot exists like Family Computing that I can find today. Every month, they would have a different program or programs in BASIC that you could enter by hand. I really learned a lot. Some of the neat programs included a skiing simulator, holiday graphics including a jack -o- lantern, and a cross word puzzle generator. Does anyone know which version of Visual Basic I should purchase?

Currently, I'm reading 'Smoke and Mirrors' by Neil Gaiman. I love short story collections and this one is like the title--magical. I just finished 'I.Asimov' and William C. Dietz's 'Earthrise'. Both good books, in different ways, the latter being really good. The Deathday/Earthrise books are everything 'V' wanted to be.

I also read Entertainment Weekly every week. Monthly I read X Box Magazine, Writer's and Poets, and Writer's Digest. I'm going to let my subscription expire on the last two, they really just distract me from writing and reading.

As for comics, monthly I read 'Y the Last Man', 'The Losers', and bi-monthly 'Planatary' and 'Metal Hurlant'. Only one more issue of 'Global Frequency' to go, I've read that whole series too which isn't nearly as good as I thought it would be. I want to read more comics, and I do pick up others occasionally but they are so expensive. However comics are my true reading passion. I want to purchase some more graphic novels including 'Orbiter' and 'Our Cancer Year' and finish my Transmetropolitan and Sandman collections.

More and more each day, I find myself wanting to do and learn so many things. I don't think it's some sort of manic phase. No, not this time. I am becoming the image in my head, day by day. And though I may not be like others, I am finding I do like myself, who I am and what I am becoming. These are the few, many things I have to say today Until next time: keep your dreams alive and thanks for reading.

Lost in the sun.

Sincerely,

Today just call me Matt

I'm never going to be that image in my head...
That writer extraoridinaire
If I compare myself to others.
If I compare them to me.

Feeling small is what I do.
That is the writer's stumble--
The block decimaiting my creativity.
A murdering spree unleashed on my own muse,
Killing her with a noose
made of mind's eye
and self loathing.

Me have mercy on me.

Whites-only scholarship generates controversy.

I find this article to be fascinating. You see, in America, it's politically correct to be ashamed of the white race. White men are all evil and angry too don't ya know? White people are the devil. We are all rich and don't care about non-whites. Don't you watch the news? We all own a Confederate flag and a gun.

Everyone knows this is preposterous. There is nothing wrong with being proud of who you are, owning up to your culture's mistakes, and moving on. The bottom line is this, until we look past color, this stupid racial divide will continue. Wasn't it the great Martin Luther King Jr. who said he wanted the day to come when the content of his children's character was more important than their skin color? Well that day should be here now. Should be, but isn't.

So, I'm off to Vegas on Sunday morning, and I have Blue Man Group tickets for the first night. It's going to be a good time...sex and booze and all. I'm not a gambler, but who can't love a town with free drinks at 9 a.m. in the morning?

I'm trying to remember if I had a sober moment the last time I went....hmm now I remember. There wasn't one...:)

We're staying in the Stratosphere this time. God, I hope no one flies a plane into it anytime soon. Can't wait to ride the roller coaster on top.

I sell air freight for now. It's not what I want but it's better than selling my soul.

Don't hate me because I'm beautiful (and I am),
Hate me because I hate you.

Texas Instruments unveils new cell phone chip.

The new chip combines the most powerful aspects of a cell phone/radio technology including Blue Tooth and will cost about 35 cents to manufacture.

Expert: Microsoft dominance poses security threat.

Interesting article on the monoculture of Microsoft, a theory taken from biology. I already had a story idea simliar to this in my head...more fuel for the fire. The premise of my story, in our Cyborg future, what is the world was ravaged by a computer virus instead of a bilogical one. Makes sense, when you think about how wired humans are and are becoming.

The next song, is a vicious rap-metal, alternative combo written and performed long before it was hip to do so (and much better) by a band now broken up. The album was "Angel Dust", one that for me stands the test of time and this song is the anthem of thirty-somethings like me. Praying this isn't but fearing we are in mid-life, a heavy realization to make. *IF* this is mid-life what will we leave behind other than the epitaph, "They did it to themselves"?

"Mid Life Crisis" by Faith No More

Go on and wring my neck
Like when a rag gets wet
A little discipline
For my pet genius
My head is like a lettuce
Go on and dig your thumbs in
I cannot stop giving
I'm thirty-something
Sense of security
Like pockets jingling
Midlife crisis
Suck ingenuity
Down through the family tree
You're perfect, yes, it's true
But without me you're only you
Your menstruating heart
It ain't bleeding enough for two
It's a midlife crisis...
What an inheritance
The salt and the kleenex
Morbid self attention
Bending my pinky back
A little discipline
A donor by habit
A little discipline
Rent an opinion
Sense of security
Holding blunt instrument
I'm a perfectionist
And perfect is a skinned knee
You're perfect, yes, it's true
But without me you're only you
Your menstruating heart
It ain't bleeding enough for two
It's a midlife crisis...............

Never Again,
Until Next Time.
That's what it was like,
Loving you
But you loved him more
And how he hit you.

"Don't you know, it's the end of the world? It ended when you said goodbye."--Alan Moore

"I write for the same reason I breathe, because if I didn't I would die."--Asimov

"Oh little Sister, I hoped you didn't feel that way." --Tori Amos

"We dance around in a ring and suppose. But the secret sits in the middle and knows." --Robert Frost

"I walk from my machine." --Bush

"There is really nothing more to say except 'why' but since 'why' is so difficult to handle, one must take refuge in 'how'." --Toni Morrison

"It's all in the suit that you wear." --Stone Temple Pilots

"After discovering what one is made for, he or she should surrender all the power in their being to the achievement of this. He should seek to do it well that nobody could do it better. He should do it as if God almighty called him at this particular moment in history for this particular reason. This is what a person's life is. The irony is that life ends so soon, but that people wait so long to begin living it. Everything done and said is a choice, when you recognize this, then you begin living on a higher level of consciousness." --Larry Jones

"When a man has pity on all noble creatures, then only is he noble." --Buddha

"And in the end, Lonely Tower is looking back at me, a tear for the past, a moment that no longer exists." --Nobius

"I can only be, what I am."--Nobius

And the CD plays on, the music drifts, and encompasses us. We become one with the sound. We remember the things and people we don't want to remember. Or at least, not like this. Somebody did hurt him, he never got over it, neither did I.

"Oh Father" by Madonna

Oh Father Lyrics

It's funny that way, you can get used
To the tears and the pain.
What a child will believe
You never loved me

Chorus:

You can't hurt me now.
I got away from you, I never thought I would.
You can't make me cry, you once had the power.
I never felt so good about myself.

Seems like yesterday,
I lay down next to your boots and I prayed,
For your anger to end.
Oh Father, I have sinned.

(chorus)

Oh Father, if you never wanted to live that way,
if you never wanted to hurt me,
Why am I running away?
(repeat)

Maybe someday,
When I look back I'll be able to say,
You didn't mean to be cruel,
Somebody hurt you too.

"If you write 300 words today (that's a little more than one typed, double-spaced page) and another tomorrow, and so on . . . you'll have written 300 pages in 300 days. Those days are going to go by anyway, whether you write a page a day or not. " -- Roy Sorrels

I had a great post I was working on about my imaginary band, "Let Sleeping Dogs Die". The flow was going but now broken. It appears my ISP disconnected and I lost it all. Fourty five minutes of work down the drain. Fourty five minutes of personal perfection....vanished.

Excuse me while I bash my computer with this hammer.....

Ozzfest 2004 Main Stage Line Up.

I'm so psyched to see this year's Ozzfest will feature old school metal including the return of the original line up of Judas Priest. Hopefully, the fest will come back to the area 'cus this is one I want to see.

In other Judas Priest news, their 'Metalolgy' boxed set looks promising, and it includes tracks from the "Ripper" years.

Dave Mustaine To Begin Mixing New Megadeth Album.

And to that I say...Thank God. This is a great article from Dave about the new album, the ever revolving make up of Megadeth, and how the press eggs people on to say bad things about former band mates. Though Dave is not the best vocalist around, his lyrics and musical writing are equalled by few in the metal arena. Long live Dave, Long live Megadeth.

The CD changer again, begins to play the songs of a life time, the songs of me. If I could meet you now, here in the dark, perhaps you could caress me--feel me--make love to me--know me by something other than my words. But you can't, my friend, so listen to this song and know the space left is the one for me.

"Lights Out" by Lisa Marie Presley

You were a million miles behind
And I was crying every time I'd leave you
Then I didn't want to see you
I still keep my watch two hours behind

Someone turned the lights out there in Memphis
That's where my family's buried and gone
Last time I was there I noticed a space left
Next to them there in Memphis
In the damn back lawn

I didn't know that I was in the crowd
And the fresh cut grass stopped growing
Everything on my shelf has fallen
I still keep my watch two hours behind

Someone turned the lights out there in Memphis
That's where my family's buried and gone
Last time I was there I noticed a space left
Next to them there in Memphis
In the damn back lawn

Was that bridge I was crossing
Somewhere I stopped walking
I guess I fell off on my own

I heard all the roads they lead to Memphis
Except for the one I'm stumbling down
And I'll be damned if I ever get this little son of a bitch from Memphis
Well it's all there I guess
And I haven't forgot.

How many scrap books lie out there--
In sleeping beds--the imagination of man?
Morpheus writing--
Journals of dreams, novels of happenings,
Family photo albums filled with things that never existed.
Fictions and Imaginations
Of how we wanted it to be, how it could of been.
Of what never was.
The thought plays play the way I want them to play,
Happy endings for all.

My Michael Dreams--an approving, happy grandfather,
My stark reality--a man hung by a self made noose,
Gone before his time.

Take the pills,
I'd rather read dream books,
And see what never was.

It's raining always, in cloudy Barbertown.
Sky gray bleak.
Cold drops fall,
Into the puddle outside my door
Forever each drop is lost.
A mud hole overflow,
Foot prints show, you were here again.
A ladie's high heeled shoe.
What do you want?
What do you want?
My love again,
My love again?

It's raining always in cloudy Barbertown,
The drops forever lost.
Your tears forever forgot-
And footprints in the mud.
Breaker of Hearts;
You can't have
My love again.
My love again.

The January 23rd issue of Entertainment weekly has a gorgeous shot of Halle Berry in her new Catwoman outfit. I hear Matell is in a debate, should the movie action figure be called 'Ample Cleavage Catwoman" or "Leather Fetish Halle"? And though she looks good, I do expect this to be another clunker of a movie, as Catwoman is reimagined for the big screen yet again. Yawn.

In other notes, on page 41 of the same issue is a great picture of Toby McGuire as Spiderman trapped in Doctor Octopus's arms. Hopefully this sequel will live up to it's well done predacessor. Speaking of Halle Berry films, X-2 did live up.

"Greater than the death of flesh, is the death of hope...the death of dreams." --G'harr (Babylon 5)

"The race not always goes to the swift but to those who keep running." --Unknown

"Tell me about the band your brother is in with Casio keyboards and everyone wears gorilla masks." --Joey from A Softer World.

"Exquisitely crafted hand grenades. No fat on it. 22 minutes to blow you out of your seat." --Warren Ells (Bad Signal: 22 Minutes)

"You get so much story out of dying. It's like a story bonus. I wish I could kill more often." --Hugh Sheffer (Soap Opera Writer)

"One last time and then you'll go and leave me with your memory." --Jamie Delano (Hellblazer)

"I was born with a gun in my hand." --Manowar

"The only way to achieve immortatilty is by not dying." --Woody Allen

"Put away the shades. The future is now and it ain't bright."--Nobius

In the end, it comes down to just you and Nobius.
And you are Nobius, in your mind.

It's that time of year again. The cover to the new Sport Illustrated swimsuit issue looks great, and like Playboy, I read it for the articles...:) In fact, I don't even see those pictures of scantily clad, beautiful girls. Kathy Ireland is still the queen of pin up girls though, closely followed by Tyra Banks, Elle MacPherson and then Angie Everhart. I love Sports Illustrated models. I love women.

Entertainment Weekly credits the Beetles with creating metal when they released "Helter Skelter". Interesting way, of looking at it. "Helter Skelter" is one of the songs I'd choose to do a cover of if I was in a band. It has the right sound and lyrics to be both fun and dangerous. Though my band would be more like nu-metal with a punk sensibilty smart enough to love old school hard core. We'll talk about this again soon.

Scathe...good title, sounds like the name to an album or a song. Scathe is the email I received from my normally wonderful boss yesterday, in response to our performance Monday. Didn't matter we were 4 operators short, we only have 16 total. Each operator takes a minimum of 30 calls a day in most cases. Our job is time consuming, picking up extra calls is a challenge yet we strive for it daily. So, logic states we wouldn't be able to answer all the calls and if we did it would be extraordinary.

Unforuntately, that's not the case. We were essentially informed in the email that we all were terrible employees, because we lost 80 calls that day. Didn't matter that we were short, that most of us skipped lunch, a few started early, and stayed late, so on. It's all our fault that the calls weren't answered and our revenue goal wasn't met.

Scathing is the feeling that runs up and down my spine when I think of the email. We had to put into writing why we didn't answer enough calls and turn it in to the boss. If humiliation was the goal of this little project then humiliation was achieved. My coworkers and I feel lower than low. Incomptent. Stupid. This excercise in self-esteem has provided a lack there of.

Big corporate giant let the shit out on my boss, and shit rolls down hill always. We weren't good enough, and we aren't good enough clearly. It's funny how we judge our self worth based on our jobs. And right now, I feel like dirt. Perhaps, it's time to wash the it all off, take a shower and strike out on my own.

Because I hate scathe.

Life is not always what we want it to be.

There is a certain kind of futility in day-to-day existence,
In spinning your wheels,
In staying in place.

There is a time when one realizes what one is,
And either revels in it,
Or is revilled by it.

Not so long ago, -on- the school yard,
Kick ball games,
Always last chose.
The one forgotten, picked not by choice;
But rather barely picked at all.
Only a fool or a teacher--
Thinks the game is about the fun,
The worship is in the win.
"Fatty, fatty."
Complaints muddered under breath.
I started hating the mirror,
Always carrying the play yard torture
A good self image left in the dirt.
That time in mind still, lesson learned,
You are what you are unwanted.

When I was nothing, I was a boy.

Oh bow down to -it- unmighty pig,
Overflowing with gluttonous useless slop.
On bended knees,
This thought awakens:
A pig can never change.
He is what he is, always the same.
So am I, so am I.
Pig Unchanging.

Does the animal cry
before
being butchered to death?
or
does it even know?
A pig can never change.

I am nothing, I am a man.
The mirror shows me,
Pig Unchanging.
Take it to slaughter.

New Star Wars E-book by Timothy Zahn.

Timothy Zahn creator of the 'Heir of the Empire' trilogy of Star Wars books has a new e-book out. Might be good, his Heir trilogy was absoutely the best series of Star Wars books ever and much better than any of the movies. They hold up to the standards of great scince ficition.

So of course, it's busy as hell yesterday at work. We are four people down, and everyone has a problem, or wants to book a $75.00 shipment. Calls are in cue, even the supervisors are on the phone.

On Mondays after 2100, I'm there by myself. I start entering a quote for Isuzu and the computer gives me this useful message: 'Quantity Error'. The only problem is, it doesn't tell me what quanity is wrong. Nothing is highlighted on my screen. But I know it's a mistake on our contact/commodity entry screen somewhere because the system won't go past that screen. I essentially end up erasing all the fields and start again. The windows talk box comes up again, 'Quanity Error'. I try again. And again. And again. I finally switch back to the old system which I am not supposed to do and it takes me less than two minutes to do the booking that is paying a whopping $135.00. The amount of time it took me just to process the work, probably cut out all of our margin.

I did some investigating about the error message system and talked to a friend mine who works in our sister department 'Customer Solutions' and is also a programmer/database administrator on the side. She tells me that the programmers decided since we are so well paid they don't need to have detailed error messages. We should be smart enough to figure it out ourselves. Now that's some good logic there....NOT. She doesn't have a problem with that, but most of us do.

Firstly, my job revolves around getting customers on and off the phone very quickly and making the sale. We are Inside Sales Assistants, not customer service. We sell. Customers don't want to wait for an answer. Our company literally has hundreds of competitors both integrators and forwarders. If you can't give them an answer quickly, someone else can and will.

The biggest thing I thought we always had going for us was our superior customer service. But now with this new system that is greatly being affected. In fact, everyone is slower on this new system.

We received word that we lost 20 million dollars last quarter. Our new owner is not happy...at all. Our stock has been downgraded already. Managment blamed it on all kinds of things including a reorganization of the sales department. But, my bet is, the biggest part of the loss is from this new quote entry system that doesn't work properly.

But hey, what do I know, I'm just a pee-on, not a programmer.

As I sit here typing, listening to my artist's soul, my innerself, a stark realization is hitting me. I have a good job, one which I like, but it is not what I want to do. It can never bring me the satisfaction that I deserve. I want something else, something more that what I have, like so many others.

I want to be a writer, editor, publisher, and a content provider. I want to be a martial artist, teacher, actor, entrepenuer, designer of computer programs, a comic book creator, perhaps even a photographer. Most of all, I want to be a poet. I want to cultivate the ideas in my head, plucking as many as I can from the tree of life, putting them in my basket until it overflows.

I need to be the picture in my head. All of them.

I now have the courage to follow my dreams, and follow them I will. I am looking inside and pursuing the path to make the changes. I promise you, I am not the same person I was just one year ago. And in one year from now, I will so much more than I am today.

The difference between me and the next guy, is my vision, the things I see of the world and myself. And now I am aquiring the courage to act, to do something about the hollowness within.

For the first time in my life, I am excited about what the future holds. Anticipating it, the way one would anticipate making love to a beautiful woman. Only this time the lover is my muse. May she live long and bless me. Because I am unlike any other person, my vision is unique, and one that needs to be shown to the world. If not for them, then for myself.

This is for Nobius and for Michael who never understood the power of his dreams.

I finally named the album of my life, the sounds of my love hate angst. Hiding Behind Nobius, simple and to the point.

Perhaps the most influential song in my life, is Seether's "Fine Again". When ever I play it, I write. It's that simple. I've blogged it before, though never the lyrics. This one is for me, for myself. I am prepared.

"Fine Again" by Seether

It seems like every day's the same
and I'm left to discover on my own
It seems like everything is gray
and there's no color to behold
They say it's over and I'm fine again, yeah
Try to stay sober feels like I'm dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell I am prepared now,
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well

I feel the dream in me expire
and there's no one left to blame it on
I hear you label me a liar
'cause I can't seem to get this through
You say it's over, I can sigh again, yeah
Why try to stay sober when I'm dying here

And I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now,
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late; just as well

And I'm not scared now.
I must assure you,
you're never gonna get away
And I'm not scared now.
And I'm not scared now.
No...

I am aware now of how
everything's gonna be fine one day
Too late, I'm in hell
I am prepared now
seems everyone's gonna be fine
One day too late, just as well
I am prepared now,
seems everything's gonna be fine for me
For me; for myself.
For me, for me, for myself
For me, for me, for myself

Blogged an email from my brother, who has definite creative ability of his own. Thanks for the encouragement sensi, I am listening inside.

"This writer is on the ball.

What is holding you back Nobius? Perhaps you are waiting for your next life? You can feel your destiny crying out to you - but you do not listen.

Turn your ears inward. All the answers to your questions reside there."

The phone rings.
It's not for me. (Twice)
Interupting me creativity,
Interupting my life.

Live through my words,
If you can.
The things that come to me,
The cast of characters occupying mindspace.
A fight for dominance.
If I could only put the neurons back where they belong...
Synapse misfiring,
My misgivings,
I am so tiny tall.
Not normal, just sick.
IF I can make it through the past, through what he did,
I can live through you.
This hell hate torture rape.
There are too many paths to choose, too many ways to go.
I may live through my words
But I won't live through this.

Sting talks music, yoga and the end of his career

Good article on an artist's artist. Though I'm not much into any of his music, his talent is obvious and his success well deserved.

Tonight uncommon,
I ask myself:
Where will I put all these thoughts
and where did they all come from?

Woke up this morning,
Dressed in Black, just like every day.
Another page from my Weird Storybook,
Him who's real name, With Still Skin, took the baby,
And I am spinning straw into gold.
Straw into Gold.

Lover said,
It takes more than I have.
It takes more than this,
To hold you up (emotional crutch).
The weight of which,
Knocks me over, hurts my back.
Lifting you all the time, kills my heart.
You're always depressed,
Never happy (with anything, with me),
Sad face shone.
Get some help,
Or get out.

Somewhere.
Right Now.
Among the innocents.
Someone.
Hates Us.
Someone.
Plotting our destruction.
Among the innocents.
They'll do it again.
A peace that will never be.
Don't think.
It hurts.
Man can not love man,
Until no man is left.

If my journey is to be remembered--my writing in this place, the reading, the song, the sex, and the savagery--perhaps my life isn't so bad.

My thoughts, scare me.
Those things that poison me.
But in the end, remember this lovely one:
I am not your skeleton,
That closet was closed long ago.

Who is that looking back at me from the looking glass
-while- I in the mirror compare myself to everyone else?
If only we, wouldn't get in the way of our own dreams
And I'm trying to recall, just what it was--
Michael took away from me.

I reread Alice in Wonderland not long ago. Though Stevenson creates some memorable characters. I love the Tea Party scene, the White Rabbit (obviously), the Catepillar, and Humpty Dumpty. But the book makes no sense, and doesn't have much plot to me. I guess I need the "Annotated Alice" or some good Cliff Notes. Or I could start doing 'shrooms.

It's been three weeks since I started training again. Three productive weeks. And though I have so far to go, it's good to be back. I've missed it as I would a good friend. In time, with enough practice, I might even get good...:)

I am thinking of something Bruce Lee wrote in the Tao of Jeet Kune Do (did I spell that right?). Bruce said, "The fighting stance is the natural stance, and the natural stance is the fighting stance." I've always loved that quote because it makes so much sense. The martial arts to me are not about rules, but about letting the Chi flow. The same could be said about religion and philosophy in my mind.

I personally prefer the Cat stance as my combat stance of choice.

Track 3 of my life's sound track is Rush's "Animate" from the Counterparts album. Clearly their best body of work, a full mature album that sounds good. I need a title to this CD of being, for me and my foolish heart.

"Antimate" by Rush

Polarize me
Sensitize me
Criticize me
Civilize me
Compensate me
Animate me
Complicate me
Elevate me

Goddess in my garden
Sister in my soul
Angel in my armor
Actress in my role

Daughter of a demon lover
Empress of the hidden face
Priestess of the pagan mother
Ancient queen of inner space

Spirit in my psyche
Double in my role
Alter in my image
Struggle for control

Mistress of the dark unconscious
Mermaid of the lunar sea
Daughter of the great enchantress
Sister to the boy inside of me

My counterpart, my foolish heart
A man must learn to rule his tender part
A warming trend, a gentle friend
A man must build a fortress to defend
A secret face, a touch of grace
A man must learn to give a little space
A peaceful state, a submissive trait
A man must learn to gently dominate

Polarize me
Sensitize me
Criticize me
Civilize me
Compensate me
Animate me
Complicate me
Elevate me

When I was young, nobody told me that I could be whatever I want to be.
I guess that's why I didn't.

No, Joey, I can't draw...
But I got this gun...
And I can shoot.
Bang!
You're dead.
...
...
Stop Laughing.

She was lost in the dancing room, the flower on the wall.
Shadow covered
No one noticed the tears
Because no one noticed her.

I like the axe in my head, It hurts less than your stab in my back.
Loose lips mean big fits.
More pain in words, more damage in friendship.
Trust lost, heart broken.

I'm considering writing a dirty book...a sex book...shh don't tell. Here's the tagline:

"Love me, Want me: The pornographic writings of a married couple in love."

Here's one for another story of a completely different nature:

"There are things given, that can not be taken away. Even by force. Some men are more than that, and some questions are better left alone."

Inside, a turpentine of hate-
Strips the feeling of my soul,
The red of my life.
Behold, a peeling past.

She was the painter girl,
(Soul Mate Artist Beautiful)
The brush of her affection,
Tickled my heart.
Painting the feelings of forever.

Time is not infinite,
And forever is a long time.
On a cold, rainy November day,
My artist found another picture to paint,
Another lover to love.
Filling my soul with the emptiness
Of a hole that falls forever.

A hole that falls forever.

Online girlfriends sell love to dateless.

I pray I'm never this desperate.

Moscow metro blast kills 39.

Terrorism is war. In the words of Putin: "Russia does not negotiate with terrorists, it destorys them." There is no other way...

I've culling this idea for a story, here's the tagline:

When we can't die, what is left to live for?

And another one for a different comic:

She'll hug your tree, then kick your ass!

Spam Poetry

It's poetry made out of real SPAM subject lines. I love good BLOGS, and this one once it gets some more content can definitely be one. Very funny.

I've made myself a new resolution, I will write something new every day. Every day...even if it is only a sentence. I thought you should know.

"And perhaps they forget that we are at war."

-- Preliminary field test on substance found in Senate office building indicates presence of biological agent ricin, Homeland Security official says. Watch CNN. --

Economists argue the merits of budget deficits

I'm no finance expert but I can balance a check book. Bottom line, tax cuts equates to less federal revenue which should mean less spending at some point. But our government doesn't exist in the real world. Most governments don't. I think the tax cuts were the right thing, but I've not seen a cut in spending and that concerns me that my children and I will be paying off these 'so called' tax cuts for years to come.

New Year's resolutions a month late

It seems most resolutions don't even last until February. This could apply to many things besides dieting.

Giving robots a human face

Archived for future reference, the social droid is upon us.

With my eyes, I am seeing things in ways I've never seen them before.

These are the words in my head space now:
The opportunities we pass up,
The things we give away.
The guilt we feel, when we become forever naught.
It's an infinite scream, a forever death,
As the lid closes and the dirt covers.
Fade the sun.

DC will be distriubting Humanoids work to the American market. This is truly good news. I'd love to own my own publishing/Distributing house (more on that later). Here's the info from the Humanoids site:

On January 13th, DC Comics and Humanoids officially announced a co-publishing agreement that means more Humanoids' books will be available in more formats for more readers all over the US! Humanoids will continue to translate the European books of Les Humanoides Associes as well as commission new works by great US creators. We will then pass the finished work to DC to work the same marketing and distribution magic that made so many DC, Vertigo, and Wildstorm books household names. This new partnership is key to Humanoids' dream of developing a global market for graphic novels by creators from all over the world.

Humanoids' Managing Editor, Paul Benjamin says, "This deal is an editor's dream. Nothing has changed for me except for the fact that all of the books we are working on will have a much greater presence in American comic stores and book stores. I'm very excited that more people in the US will get a chance to see our books, I am working with highly talented writers and artists and they deserve the best!"

Chest pains, chest pains.
Do you suppose, the stethoscope hears
and the doctor knows the breaking of my heart?

"The World don't wanna be saved, only left alone." -Dave Mustaine

"If religion were real, no one would be saved." --Nobius

"All of your life you have waited alone for a savior, He's not coming...and all of those things that you need so bad you have found, they mean nothing." --Metal Church

"Are you Him? Are you Messiah? Will you save us all?" --Nobius

"You're no Jesus, You're no Elvis." -- Incubus

"The *KING* is in." -- Nobius

"But don't hang me up...like Jesus Christ..." --War Babies

"It seems everyone is seeing Jesus except for me." --Nobius

"Please tell me God isn't dead." --Extreme

"You can see Him too, just pay your money at the door." --Nobius

"It matters to Him concerning you."--The Bible

Sometimes, I think the postman must be the most hated man on Earth.
The Dear John Letters he brings.
Sadness with a stamp, tears in an envelope.
I pray the next one is not for me
And my fragile fragile heart.
But Jenny hasn't returned a call in four days.
Jenny hasn't called in four days.

It has been said: "Let your dreams be as water--you must drink to live--quenching the thirst by accomplishment."

Custom Action Figures by Jeremy Sung

I might post some more links like this in the future. Because of a limited budget I have limited my hobbies. But I do love action figures. You can take the man out of the kid, but not the kid out of the man.

I was unaware of customized figures until I first became connected to the net. I'm not sure who Jeremy Sung is but his customized figures are really neat. I love the Tri-Klops variations.

I've got APA's on the brain this week. I wanted to mention two things about Titan Talk. First, in the early 90's I found them for a second time through the letter's page of a Titan's comic (the first time didn't pan out so I thought I'd try it again if a slot opened) and sent them a 3.00 check for my sample issue which was promptly cashed and no sample issue sent. Also, again does anyone know how to get a copy of their self published fan fiction novel "The Stacked Deck"? I've scoured GOOGLE, EBAY, and the various Titans site's to no avail.

I hadn't forgetten about this string of posts. The second song in the album of my life time belongs to Trouble. Memory's Garden is an ode to someone gone, someone the writer still loves. Yet even in the end, there is always a new door to open.

"Memory's Garden" by Trouble

Should you go first and I remain
one thing I`d have to do
walk slowly towards your door
soon I will follow you

will I dream of good times
only love in our minds
will I dream of making love
always knew that it was enough

She`s gone to live in
Memory`s garden

I`ll want to know each step you take
so I can walk the same
someday down that lonely road
you`ll hear me call your name

will I dream of good times
only love in our minds
will I dream of making love
always knew that it was enough

She`s gone to live in
Memory`s garden

travelled along so many roads
must have tried everyone
today we shown new directions
ones we`ve never seen before

will I dream of good times
only love in our minds
will I dream of making love
always knew that it was enough

She`s gone to live in
Memory`s garden

Not sure where this came from, it's not mine. Found it written down in the front of my check register. I must have wanted to remember it. Might of been posted on an old TDBS dial up board. It's nice and dark-just like me, just like I like it:

When the waters rose
In the darkness
In the wake of the endless flood
It flowed into our memory
It flowed into our blood.

Seems one of my favorite hard core bands Pro-Pain has a new cover album out that's true to their style. All the songs are from other bands more or less of the same genre. I noticed the track listing contains a cover of one of my favorite songs: "Weeds" by Life of Agony. Pro-Pain (though I hate that name) has always been a band that got it. They are and understand what it is to be angry and metal and fist pumping mean. Yet I find if very cool that they can still have fun and do a cover album.

The first time I saw Pro-Pain, they were opening for Ice-T's Body Count. It was one of the greatest shows I've ever been to even if it was devoid of pyro-techincs (that's a joke...please insert a little ha ha).

It's funny I should find out about this album because right now I am compiling a piece in my journal for inclusion in this BLOG about what it would be like if I were in a band, what we'd sound like, what we'd stand for, and what cover songs we would do. I just happen to love good cover songs and that is also a topic for another day.

Meanwhile, you can find out more about the CD here:

Run for Cover

From the Knowlege News E-newsletter:

Q. What is the longest story ever told by one human being?

A. Charles Schulz's story of Peanuts. Schulz, the son of a Minnesota barber, gave Snoopy, Charlie Brown, and the rest of the Peanuts gang life for almost half a century, from October 1950 to February 2000. According to Robert Thompson, a professor of popular culture at Syracuse University, that makes his saga arguably the longest story ever told by one person.

The Peanuts comic strip, which appeared in 75 countries, 2,600 papers, and 21 languages every day, made Charles Schulz very rich. By some estimates, Mr. Schulz earned about $30 million to $40 million annually. Yet he refused to stop drawing. He announced his retirement only after being diagnosed with colon cancer, and even then, he never did retire. His "goodbye" Sunday strip appeared on February 13, 2000, the morning after he died in his sleep.

*
Q. What did Mr. Schulz think of the name Peanuts?

A. He hated it. His publishers forced it on him after legal tangles with the L'il Abner folks required abandoning the strip's original name: L'il Folks. Schulz once said, "I was very upset with the title, and still am."

When I was a kid I had hard cover collections of most of the older Peanuts strips. I don't know what happened to them which makes me sad. Is there a kid that grew up in the 70's or 80's that doesn't remember the Charlie Brown holiday speacils? Snoopy and the gang are as much cultural icons as anything else Americana but more importantly Shultz has left us a legacy of stories that will endure forever. Everyone needs to know when the doctor is in and that my friends is timeless...:)